Saturday, March 30

Leaning into...disorder

Oh man, where do I even begin to write about the day that has made itself today?

Lately, the words and I have been on break. After releasing my new book, it felt like my brain had committed itself to solely be interested in speaking and interacting with images. I could stare at pictures and engage and interact with images of all kinds but the moment I turned my eyes and mind toward words, blankness, void, total death of thought would come up. I took it as a sign that portions of my word-threading self had flown off into the deep to work on the next book.

And then today happened. A total professional chaotic mess I was gifted to clean up. Cleaning up my own mess, I'm all over - cleaning up after someone else's total lack of organization however makes me want to break already broken things into tiny pieces of sand and then throw them into someone's eye. Okay, maybe it wasn't that big of a thing in the grand scheme of things, but for someone who is an organizational nut like I am, the effect of stuff like this on me is as predictable as rubbing two exposed wires together near gasoline. I keep laughing in between shaking my head in disbelief. What amplified the utter annoyance was that it didn't only affect me, it put me in the middle of and in front of two other people's disappointment, shock, and confusion. So not only did I have to deal with my own neurosis, but I had to keep myself in as much a professional cage as possible so as to not exacerbate the mood and matter further. This has never been the kind of professional plate I wish to serve anyone - luckily, most of the job environments I've been in have met my professional standards or raised them altogether.

Disorganization is strange to me. It's a foreign language. If I walk into someone's home or come to the office I frequent only twice a week and see paper everywhere with no order to it, I stare at it like it's twelve week old garbage.  I am very detail oriented - I actually enjoy working with databases, spreadsheets, and lists, filing things and organizing them. I like creating order - I LOVE creating order, structuring things, grouping them together, creating clean lines and corners. So when a situation or space that is not a reflection of that comes up, some corner of my brain twitches.

Oh control, how I love you so.

I think if I take anything away from today, it's to be as comfortable in disorder as I am in order. While I'll never be one of those individuals who seeks out chaos to thrive, I sure as hell can give it a wink and a nod the next time it shows up. I just have to remember, that not everyone I meet or cross paths with will work the way I do, and the reflection of that is not always going to be a situation or space that makes sense to me. Maybe I should throw a bag of crumpled up paper onto my bed and roll around in it to drive the point home.

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