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What Are We Made Of?

I don't know how long it has been since I've had days to myself. I'm on my first real stint of vacation days - 9 days of not having to get up for any particular reason than my actually wanting to. It's nice. As much as I like being busy, having 8 balls in the air to play with, and running on this gliding magic carpet ride as the days roll on, it's really really really nice to get a beat to just be, indefinitely, without having to stop to go back to the humdrum of everyday living.

Someone raise the roof!

This is probably my first real update in a really long time. 2012 is nearing an end already (4 more months) and I have to say it has been a year of full on full blast awakening for me. I think up until this year, my ideas of myself and the world had really been naive. Even in all my wisdom and knowing and the distances I've traveled within, I think I still had a shade of pink tint on my looking glass. In a good way, in a way that guaranteed that I'd get to this point of being awake to everything with no illusions about all the illusions and still feeling like, WOW this life is such an amazing brilliant playground to get to stomp around in.

Something I wrote to my girlfriends recently: I think one of my growth points has been allowing myself to feel it ALL, without succumbing to the belief that awakening and Knowing means never having to feel "bad" again. I think to really know life, we have to be open to know all of it. I feel like I'm really alive now for being able to fearlessly feel the full spectrum of being in a body and knowing all is well in that spectrum. All of life is mine, from the maddening madness to the beauty that makes you speechless, it's all mine to take joy in. We take joy in our joy, that's the easy part of knowing our power. I feel like it's when you can take joy in the pain here too...not joy hurrah, but the joy that comes up from deeply accepting the resistance aroudn us and within us.

I found myself reiterating this point again to another friend last night. For whatever reason, I think spirituality, awakening, self-knowing and self-realization end up becoming about escaping pain for a lot of people, of blocking out the inevitable heartache of the dramas that surround us in all direction. It becomes a tool to go numb to the extreme depths within us. Our capacity to feel joy is celebrated and our capacity to feel pain is shunned. But it's not only our heights that need to be sought out, it's our depths also. We have to be flexible enough to transcend the height of our selves and reach into the depths as well, be willing to go into the sky and the well of our being.

Exclusivity of any kind will always close us off to the richness of life. Life is a force - it is a force for good and bad, neither and either, because it doesn't know one from the other. When we become that way with ourselves, willing to shine the light on the full circle of our being, the light and the dark, the weightless and the heavy, only then do we really know what we're made of, and only then do we really become spacious enough for everything else here. To make a difference in this playground, you have to be like the space that's here allowing everything to be, like this moment.

You won't know what you're made of until you let all of it come to the surface, until you let all of it be seen by you and know it's all okay, until you become willing to go everywhere in your being fearlessly...and ferociously.

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