Tuesday, August 2

I Am Mother

My dog does this thing when ever I sit down on the floor or lay flat on my back for a stretch or just for whatever reason - she jams herself right into me and makes herself at home. I put my arms around her and always feel like the most fortunate person in the world. She just melts all over me with no awareness of personal space or any of all the nonsense thinking minds come up with. It's the moments with her that remind me why it is I want to have children.

I was joking around with a pretty friend at work. I said something like "go get yourself fixed" referring to his trip to the chiropractor. To which he made wide eyes and replied "I probably should since I don't want kids anyway." My return was "I do, I want like ten, though we'll see if that's the case after I have one." After that convo I was thinking about WHY it is I want children and the moments with my dog and the feeling of sharing that kind of a bond with a person really touches my heart.

The whole reason I got my dog was because I had this overwhelming need to nurture and care for something. I remember laying in my bed one day feeling like I had to have something that I could just give love to, that would be a space for me where I can just love and adore unreservedly. And after almost four years, I live how it really is one of the best steps I've ever taken in my life.

And then there's this whole being human thing - an experience I can't understand. No matter how much I study or understand there's still an overwhelming well of awe inside of me for how we are. That the human body can grow a baby inside it, that it can nourish and support a whole other being inside itself, that a unique individual being can come into the world through me, that I can walk around with my belly stretched all the while a little beautiful person grows itself inside...it all confounds me.

How does life do what it does? I want to be a part of that dance in every way I can! I also want to know what it'd be like for a child to grow up in my presence, to see day to day if I can be present to this child's eternal innocence and be taught by it, through all the shenanigans of being around another human being, let alone one that formed and grew itself inside of me. There's so much of it that I want to know.

I don't want to have children just because it's what humans do. I want to see what it's like to be conscious, to be aware, to be awake, to be committed to the dharma of being nothing and everything, and to be a space of learning...I want to see and look with an open heart and see what happens.

Part curiosity, part a science experiment, part a wonderment...so many reasons for why I want to be a nurturer to little so and so with big eyes and a laugh that sparks my heart into fireworks. Not to mention to meet and dance with the perfect dad and partner to do it all with ~

I'm grateful for all that this life offers so organically and mysteriously to us.

And I'm also so grateful for all the love Leela has brought into my heart - every time she snuggles up to me, my heart fills in ways I cannot describe!

yay :)

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