Sunday, July 31

Breathing Love

It's not worth it to hold back
It's not worth it to separate
It's not worth it to hide
It's not worth it to fear
It's not worth it to shrink
It's not worth it to defend
It's not worth it to be anything other than fully vulnerable

I'm awake to the subtle ways in which I had been undermining my capacity to feel and flow love. Creating something that is naturally true as 'too much work', creating the effortlessness of Oneness as something that needs mental input, moving from an inner dialogue of full blown love and appreciation to an inner dialogue of judgment and resistance in all its colors - there are so many ways we undermine our capacity to feel love, to be love, to breathe love.

Resistance builds only when I'm not paying attention to what I'm REALLY saying inside myself. And that resistance turns into walls - thick invisible walls that I create and wrap all around me so no one can get in, and I can't extend myself beyond the lines I've drawn.

Lines that say:
- you can't hurt me
- you can't come in
- you are a threat
- I don't trust you
- you're going to hurt me
- you've already hurt me

Lines that articulate the many voices of resistance to BEING love. Lines that affirm the need to self-protect, the need to hide behind walls.

Resistance and fear are one and the same thing, so when it shows up is when you really have to look and force your eyes to remain open in the looking.

What am I fearing here?
Why am I fearing this?
Why am I putting up walls?
Why am I creating separation?

It always starts as a subtle story - an insecure one, a dashed expectation, a fear-based reaction, that turns itself into an avalanche of resistance.

Awareness is always the solution. Because once you see how you are being in relation to whatever is showing up,  you can choose something different.

You can choose to breathe love again instead of holding on to fear.

Saturday, July 30

Feel What You Won't

How come blue is the reference for sadness? Isn't it a higher frequency in the electromagnetic spectrum? Curious.

I caught myself saying "I'm blue now" referencing a change in the color of the shirt I wear at work. And today I wrapped my arms around a lovely heart who had just finished wiping tears from her eyes.

Sitting to write more pages in one of the books I'm working on, a co-worker's comment popped up in my head.

Notice what catches your awareness.

"So how come you've been so quiet lately? Are you okay?"

He asked it with actual concern, like something was wrong. My initial and immediate response was: I'm good.

I didn't realize I had been quiet lately - and as I flip through the moments of the past couple of weeks I notice...yeah I have been less of my flitter-bug-y self lately. I'm usually super happy to see people - my heart lights up, and I choose for it to light up for everyone. And yet lately there I was, a little more closed off, more inside, more retreated.

Not to the point where it's noticeable though, unless you're really paying attention.

And I wasn't paying attention. I hadn't really noticed how much of a difference there had been in me let alone in how I was showing up to other's in my world.

I'm glad someone else noticed it!

Events impact us - even if we process information differently, and we know how malleable our playground is, and we know the power of our attention and focus, there's still that initial confrontation with some information and the reaction from it that needs to go acknowledged. You have to process the energy, the pattern and really let yourself be with it before you can move through it. Because otherwise it's just a game of masquerading around as something other than yourself.

It took today's sequence of events...the being "blue now", the tear faced beauty, the co-workers comment for me to ...wait-a-minute myself back into my being to feel and acknowledge that sad part of me.

It goes without saying: say what you won't say and feel what you won't feel.

'Cause until you do, the energy isn't going anywhere. It's staying with you!

So feel what you won't feel and let it be a passing cloud in the field of your awareness. Because it's only after you've felt it, processed it, that you can be all of yourself again.

Be fearless with your "low" feelings as you are with your high one's. They're all perfect!

Thursday, July 28

perfect

some moments don't need words. like fire lit skies at sunset. you don't need words or verbal sentiments. the view so clearly speaks for itself.

there are moments in the day like that.

like laughter, looking at someone laugh and light up from the inside.

that is one of my favorite views right now.

Tuesday, July 26

Monday, July 25

beautiful strangers

i love those moments that just seem so random

i've had the most wonderful afternoon of love festing with a sweetheart. i'm headed home. i walk to my bus stop and have a seat. i'm half day dreaming and half enjoying the world all around me.

this tall boy walks up to me. puts his arms in prayer pose and bows his head.

namaste.

i noticed i had one of my mala-bead bracelets on and wondered if that's why he greeted me in that way or if that was just the way he greeted all.

he stat right next to me. bubbly. blue eyes. beautiful soul. and then he offered me an ipod charger.

it  was hilarious.

he carried on. and then asked me if i found muscle-y men attractive.

i answered, 'no, i personally don't find the over-developed muscles thing attractive'

he didn't seem satisfied with that.

he said some more amusing things, said his goodbye and was on his way.

i just sat there laughing.

beautiful days ~

Sunday, July 24

Life Lives & Life Dies

a customer at my work had these amazing tattoos on his arm - big dancing skeletons with mexican flare. he told me it signified día de los Muertos - day of the dead - and he was going to add more to that tattoo to create something memorable to remind him of his cousin.

billions of beautiful species are birthed into being right now. and billions of beautiful species are dying in this very same breath. this is happening in unimaginable scales all around us. life exhales itself into life and life inhales itself into death in each moment.

and what i often find myself feeling in moments when i observe human reaction to death is...how are we so unaware of how much dying there is in each and every moment? how is it that we are shocked and startled by the death of one individual in our view, when death is happening in each and every second all around us?

it's so strange how indifferent we are to the death of one form of life and in complete misery to the death of another form. when we can see the beauty in the living of life and in the death as well, we've brought ourselves into balance and harmony with the ways of physical embodiment.

i love that there are cultures that honor and celebrate and recognize death as the beautiful extension of living that it is. death is beautiful because life is beautiful - they are one and the same event.

at least, that's how i see it ~

Saturday, July 23

holoYAY

it's way more fun when you play with a model in which right contains left, and up contains down - everything is embedded in everything else. everything is contained in everything else - the whole in the one, and the one in the whole.

i in you and you in me.

he in he and she in she.

that in this, and this in that.

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
i love that rumi talked about holograms decades ago...

welcome to my hologram/hologame ~

Friday, July 22

my motto

my motto is: dive deep into the fire of love - fearlessly leap into its blazing center. if it burns, it's only burning away all your delusions. whatever the outcome, you are cleansed and rebirthed in the fire. like a phoenix. you never lose for stepping into the flames. you only gain more of your Self.

Wednesday, July 20

Brightly Burning

It's wrapping up isn't it?

I don't know anything
I only know the energy

Moments when I realize that no matter the situation facing me, the story, the moment, the expression...I'm standing there burning brightly.

For you.




And to be That...really is to live without being involved in anything other than the light within. The longing we sought, the journey we took, it all led us to leaving the world behind, with all the bridges burnt so we could never go back to it...not in the same way we left it.

To be in the world and not of it...to be standing amidst the noise and not hear it or see it, to simply be the light needed...

That's all.

Tuesday, July 19

Like A First Breath

"i've been stealing hearts
where i don't belong
i'm breathing hard
when you come on strong
the more i love
the less i know
...stealing hearts"
~ Silent Love Song (Jason/Raining Jane)

The song is not so silent after all.

I wonder what it is that creates the need to breathe deep. What is that? When you're in the energy of connection, whether with a beautiful someone or in meditation, it's like you NEED to let more air in and you NEED to let more air out.

Breathe.

Breathe again. I've been looking at this the past couple of days - as that's all I can do to keep myself from what feels like splitting at the atoms. There's just more energy buzzing through that it's stretching everything that is me. I focus on something in my world and suddenly I can't breathe deep enough - I can't breathe hard enough.

Why? What's happening physically, energetically, mentally? What's taking place atomically and anatomically?

I'm forever curious about the way we unfold - the more I awake, the more I want to know about the how's and why's of the way we are in every moment of every day.

Why?

In those moments, and I'm in one of them now, it's like I've never taken a real breath before until these deep breaths. Up until this energy, up until this connecting, up until this breathing I hadn't breathed before. It's as though what the stillness of meditation or what the energy of a connection with another births within us, is that first real breath of being alive.

I'm alive.

Breathing. Deep. Often.

Grateful for the Breath of Life ~

Monday, July 18

Merging Now

Past couple of nights have been interesting - like I'm more charged up than usual - a friend said it could be the full moon but I typically remain in an easy rhythm throughout the lunar cycle. I also have a daily practice to release any and all charge from my system enough to keep things flowing and relaxed. It's what makes my moments as perfectly orchestrated as they are.

I find anytime it feels as though my focus is scattered, or I have a hard time locating myself fully in the moment, it's only because I'm some how disconnecting myself from the moment, from the what-is-ness of right now. Beautiful feelings and possibilities pull at my attention, the energy of moments past linger on, and my focus becomes frayed enough so that I become a little more physically unbalanced. It's subtle but I find it's in these moments that I bump into furniture or end up scratching and scuffing various parts of my body - a behavior to tell myself I'm not fully in my body anchored in the now.

I love self awareness and I love moments that are energetically so beautiful that some part of me stays to stare at them longer, to feel into them deeper, to love them a little fuller. And I love even more the ability to keep bringing myself into the Now, the feeling of being centered and being in full release of what was so I am spacious enough to welcome what is becoming.

I am grateful for what's energetically merging into the space all around me and within me. SO GRATEFUL for the magic that spell binds me and fills me.

~k~

Saturday, July 16

Constant Light

When God asks: can you be a continuous source of light in the world?
I answer: yes papa love, I can!

In my view...that's all we are here to do, be.

Not to shrink and flicker and contract in response to the going on's of temporary patterns, fleeting appearances, but to remain steady, to leave the light within turned on, at all times, and in all directions.



To be
Or not to be
A steady lighthouse

That is the question.

Be Love
K.

Tuesday, July 12

Moon Beams and Orchids

Purple and white orchids
Moon beams in goddess dreams
It all comes together
Like a neatly tied bow
On a cosmic gift
From the goddess of thunder

Lightning strikes
as our hearts ignite
To live the words we write
You are he
and I am she
King and Queen
of a world made of
rainbow streams

Alive in the gladness
Of being the light
in the madness
Awake to our oneness
We are



Monday, July 11

Everything

I'm everything and more
The whole world in my core
A mirror of your light
A secret kiss in the night
Bigger than the dreams dreamt
Wider than the feelings felt
I'm the center of your heart
Felt close when miles apart
I am you and you are me
We are one so can you see
I'm all you've lived and more
The whole world in your core
 - Kidest

Kathryn Schulz: On Being Wrong

Saturday, July 9

More awake than EVER

I love this life and the way EVERYTHING in sight mirrors to me just how in the flow I am. As the days go on and the curtain keeps opening wider and wider, I'm awake to the power I have within me. Each moment serves as my platform to watch myself, to watch the inside and see what I'm making up and what I want to do with what I'm making up. I'm making up everything about everything right now - in a sense, there is no reality, there is only make believing!

It was different before - my platform was somewhat solitary - there weren't as many people in my life then as there are now. It was all theory before - being in-powered, being a love prophetess, being in my fullness. It was all theory and knowing without the actual opportunity to really practice and step into it. I had opportunities but they all seemed distant and delayed in a sense - it wasn't in my face, everyday human interaction, everyday human connection. I shift my own perception while in a conversation and there it goes, the whole world changes into something different. I remain centered in love, and every face that comes continuously for the next ten fifteen thirty minutes is beaming.

What I live is, once you've gone IN enough within yourself, you'll really get to see how every shred of every moment is a complete reflection of what you're keeping active within you. You go IN enough that what would typically be an unconscious current is suddenly in your awareness, it lifts itself right into your view and you go - OH HEY, that's not useful, and in that instant it all dissolves. And as it dissolves, the world around you reveals itself to have also peeled off some crusty layer to display a new shininess.

Every single moment is the newest it has ever been - but you can't see that if your looking glass is layered with the crust of your unconscious nonsense. And it's when you wake up to your eternal awakeness, when you wake up to the mind filters you are imposing on this fresh new Now, seeing everything in its simultaneous meaninglessness and meaningfulness, that your own seeing gifts you with something incredible.

Your own miraculous magical power.

Life is WOW.

Right Now.

In each moment you're either awake to that and living that or you're awake to your own unconscious melodrama.  Locked in your own mind you miss out on seeing, breathing, living, being the brilliant light spectrum of this moment.

Friday, July 8

Hooked on Physics

Over the past few years I've had a growing interest in the science that sounds a whole lot like the ancient knowledge teachings of the far east.

Physics.

My brain warps and curves when I meddle in the concepts, and it feels good because I feel like I'm on the brink of seeing both sides of the equation - the observer side and the observed.

And I know that with just a little more concentration, the concepts will become intuitive and second nature to my growing perspective.

Life is as theoretical as it is physical.

And I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time - it's really all that time but there are those times when I think I know and that just confuses the whole thing.

I'd like to directly download into my mind the understandings of: Brian Greene, Lisa Randall, and Lee Smolin to start with. And then I'll re-install Walter Russel to get back to the meta in the physics.

And somewhere in between all that, I have to remember to paint my toenails, brush my dog, and mail out some packages.

Tuesday, July 5

Choosing the Effortless Path

I've been noticing that there are two ways in which things happen for me in my life. One where I run on the hamster wheel like there is no tomorrow and get or move into what I want to experience in minuscule increments. And the other, where I do nothing, absolutely nothing and find myself in the right spot, at the right time, talking to and connecting with the right people.

The first way is full of effort, and sweat, and carries a heavy sense of having to engage in some inner fight to get the outcome - and it rarely ever works out to a desired standard anyway.

The second way is full of a carefree flow - a 'whatever' attitude that co-mingles itself with some magical force that just picks you up and moves you around like a chess piece. In the not caring, in the not investing, in the 'whatever'-ness, in the letting go of attachment to any outcome, you flow into many an unexpected magic.

I no longer wish to make anything happen in my life. I no longer wish to MAKE something be a certain way. I quit. Completely. Volunteering myself for struggle and striving takes so much of my being away from appreciating, reveling in, and celebrating how I am where I am now. I like the second way better. It's more fun, full of miracles, full of beauty and mind boggling perfection.

I choose the effortless way.

Sunday, July 3

I Like the Way

I like the way you come my way
And I like the way you smile
And I like the way you pretend
To look straight ahead
While looking right at me from the sides
I like the way you move closer
And I like the way you try
When you come on by
Every time you come on by

I like the way you look at me
When you make it obvious you're looking
I like the way you play like a child
Masking how deep you've gone within
And I like the way you sound yourself
And the way you pretend to hide
What you know the way you know
When you know all that you know

I like the way we move together
I like the way we come together
I like the way we laugh together
Each time we let ourselves come closer
Every time we let ourselves come closer

It's a conspiracy all around me
To bring me closer to you
It's an invisible strategy
To let me feel you too

I like the way you walk around
And the way you stay by me
I like the way you linger on
Even when you make yourself leave
I like the way you come on back
And take your rightful seat
I like the way you come on back
Into the seat right next to me

It's a conspiracy of the stars
to watch us dance like we do
It's undoubtedly a cosmic strategy
To bring me closer to you

I like the way I'm closer now
I like the way it feels
I like the way you are with me
Now that you're clearly here

I like the way you're here
I like the way you're here

Friday, July 1

It's All Gone Down

It's like some brilliant artist
Out of some heavenly realm
took all the whispers of my heart
And carved them out as you

Beauty and light
Childlike delight
Laughter in the awareness
And magic in the timing
Of the way we move

Every angle and shade
Made to reflect
An easy perfection I can recognize
I so recognize it
It's what I breathe
When you come into view
It's what I feel
When you bring yourself closer
And make your way to stand
Right next to me
And walk on right beside me

And every moment
that our paths intersect
Weaving through the isles
Wearing uncontrollable smiles
We make believe
That we don't know
How it's all going down
How it's all gone down

Another me and another you
This me and this you
It's all gone down
Here and everywhere
In all conceivable realms
It's all already gone down

We go up
As it's going down
It's already gone down

Baby Smiles as Meditation

You know when you're having a frazzled day and something pops up in your face to get you to slow down, get back to earth, and just remem...