I used to write blogs like they were my personal journal entries complete with pictures and creative expressive adventures. For some reason that stopped. I don't know why. I don't know why anything is why. That sentence is meant to be like that. The space in my head gets down to a funky language rhythm these days, confusing the matter so that throughout everything it's evident that words only take us so far.
Anyway. I promised myself this wasn't going to be a heady-head entry. And so it's not! I see the word snot in it's not. So here I am - actually talking to this box like I used to. Just letting it all flow out. Asking myself, what do I want to talk about? And I have something!
This past week, I've been feeling like myself to a whole new degree. I've been doing presentations around the community for work and wholly mother of carelessness. No voice in my head. No judging. Nothing while I speak, before I speak, and after I speak. Just smiling, speaking, moving on, making eye contact, engaging and cracking jokes. Who is this girl??? Granted the presentation is only 20 minutes or so long, but I'm just there. And I caught that. I caught myself just being fully me without receding into self-judgment, self-rejection, and the whole list of self bullshitting we practice ourselves into. It's amazing. A bright shiny woman I met recently said I'm very spacious and that I'm very much an extrovert. REALLY? And it's true. Gone is the girl who used to run and hide behind her mother, or find a quiet corner and pray her friends will stick by her side at parties and gatherings. Gone is the girl who went wide-eyed in a room full of strangers. And here is this girl, woman, being thing. Careless. Carefree. Not considering anything other than the awesomeness of the moment at hand.
Maybe it's the whole having a radio show thing - I don't know what it is exactly. I just notice that I'm more being in my being these days than ever before. Not self-correcting or even wanting to self-correct. Nothing. And I kinda love it. I say, Hello Me! Nice to see you this fine shiny sun day!
I feel it - this is the way we're meant to be, just present, delivering whatever we need to deliver without any background mental static. No need for approval or disapproval or being seen or not seen or whatever else. No needs. Just being. Being without the illusion of needing anything.
Awesome is THIS.
I've also decided that this island is where I want to settle on down. I love it out here - it's unlike anything else. After a full year of living here, I can't see myself anywhere else - at least anywhere that's land-locked. Water, mountains, trees, ocean - all of these are a necessity in my world now. I can't go back. Scrap that. I choose to not go back to anything other than this.
Endless gratitude for the constant awe-evoking view that keeps me centered, the magickal ocean that just gleans all sorts of mysteries, the sound of the river in my backyard reminding me in every moment just how abundant life is. I think everyone should have a river in their backyard, or the ocean - whichever. It's just so obvious in its message. Flow flow flow flow flow...you know?
I was sitting in a professors office the other day at the university, chatting about research while I turned to look at her view. Snow capped mountains. Yeah!
I hope you're enjoying your view as I'm enjoying my rainy gorgeous beautiful world!
LOVE to the max!