Wednesday, September 15

It's Always Been Love

I'm not sure what called it forth. I was laying in bed before sleep, and there it was, a flood of bliss coming over me followed by a mental image of my grandmother. It was so vivid. In that moment I was sure I was feeling her essence - the who she really is-ness of it - the who we all really are-ness of it. I hadn't thought of her in years. I left her arms when I had just turned 10 to move to Canada for my mom's job, and aside from long distance phone calls here and there hadn't been in her presence ever since. She transitioned years ago. And yet just like that there she was standing in my mind, alive in her most purest forms radiating something I could only describe as bliss.

I don't believe in death. I don't think I've ever really been convinced about it. It's always been foreign to me when someone in my family passes, 'cause I don't feel it - I don't feel their absence. So I concluded, nothing dies. Yes, something happens to the body. Everything transforms. Life is just a series of physical metamorphosis. Sure.  This Love-Bliss-Essence taking on forms, shedding them to only re-cloth itself once again into a different form. And I don't mean reincarnation, I don't believe in that either. But I mean...what comes and goes as mother, father, brother and more - that is a deathless presence that I feel in everyone - whether they have a body or have shed it.

I used to call her Emayeh - that's one of the Amharic terms we use for grandmothers, loosely translating as "sweet mother" or "dear mother" - a term of endearment. She was the sweetest being in my world while I was growing up, giving me her last dollar, teaching me to cook on a little ground level coal cooker that she would prepare for me 'cause I was only like 7 years old and 4 feet tall. She was nurturning, and as I look back at my mental recordings of her, there was a mystery to her too. I knew her stories sure, but now I see how she wore her infiniteness so visibly. I had a different bond with her and my father than I had with anyone else in my family, for reasons that I don't really know. All I'm confronted with when I look at that bond is this recognition...that we've all always been so much more than meets the physical eye. So much more.

It feels amazing to see all of those early moments come so alive within me, moments I haven't thought about in years, all because of a feeling that washed over me before I went to sleep. I doubt any of us will really ever come to understand the depth of Love that manifests as the light beings in our lives. No matter their form or role, they've always been this pure essence of Love. All ways.

Deep Inside the Mystery,
kidest

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