Friday, April 9
It's funny, I woke up this morning mentally flipping through the pictures of my relationships, feeling like I've always been in love with the same one man. The One.
He's put on different masks to come and love me. He's been tall. He's been short. He's been asian, hispanic, black, and white. He's been kind to me. He's been cold as ice. He's wanted me. He's rejected me. He's been open with me. He's hidden his feelings from me. He's written me letters, and he's ignored my emails. He's avoided me for days and days and he's followed me around just the same. He's brought me flowers and forgotten my birthday. He's been charming and he's been an asshole. He's sat across the table with me laughing from his belly. He's called me out, he's soothed me down, he's made me feel warmth like nothing else. He's stared at me when I wasn't looking. He's taken me to the movies and played with my hand. He's kissed me in the places that mean something to him. He's said "let's just be friends" and he's confused our friendship with more than friendly gestures. He's called me his best friend in the world, and he's called me a poker face. He's stayed up until dawn with me on the phone. He's slept next to me. He's wrapped his arms around me. He's traveled with me. He's hit on my girlfriends. He's hit on me. He's done so many things. He's the one I've chased. He's the one I've been chased by. He's the one I've run from. And yet still, even though I've been through all of it with Him, I'm not done discovering him. I'll never be done discovering him.
For me, it feels like it's the same One that comes to meet me through every different face. I don't feel like I've had relationships. I feel like I've had just one relationship that has taken various forms and togetherness-es to come into full being. I feel like I love One man, though his faces have changed, though his body has looked different, through out these pictures, it's all been the same Him. The differences, they're only on the surface ~
He has no face or body, he is a feeling I can't describe. My heart does something when ever he's near. Thump. Thump. Thump. And then I can't for the life of me stop thinking of him, or wanting to be around him, or wanting to know him and be with him. It's only this One that's held my hand or pushed me away, that's pulled me in close, or turned me down without even giving me a chance. It's all been Him. And though my words fail to really tell it the way I see it and feel it, I am grateful for this One True Love, that is my teacher, my lover, my friend, my everything...He is my own being.
It is clear to me, that every single man that has every come to me and will ever come to me, is this beautiful amazing Him. It's all Him.
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