Strange how the riddles of late had me feeling. My heart. What was I to do with my heart? A longing had been lit in the midst of my being but I did not know what it was I longed for. I had become restless to find the voice I couldn’t hear calling me. I felt this soundless voice and saw its evidence in all things around me and yet knew not what it would have me do. I had felt most at home sitting at the shores of the sea but my heart now became restless even then.
There is so much to know. There is so much to uncover. There’s so much to question.
I disappeared into myself. Months passed in the dreaming of my own sleeping and in the doing of my own unravelling.
Then a moment came. I dreamt myself walking to the shores again. In spite of my restlessness I knew I wasn’t going to fear this any longer. I wasn’t going to question any longer. I cannot fear the heart of life anymore. The time had come for doubt and I to part ways. I settled myself and came face to face with the deep Sea of mystery. I was ready. I took in my last breath, I laid myself to rest, and I surrendered all of myself. There was no longer any “I,” it was just the Sea and nothing else. There was no separation, there was no separate existence from This.
I felt peace.
And then I felt the subtleness rise within me. I knew what was to come.
In one envelope the Sea formed itself around me, like the silk cocoon that forms around the dying caterpillar preparing it for its rebirth. I felt the electric vibration of my own life come into my awareness. A flash of light and it was all gone.
I saw parts of me breaking apart. Layer after layer, I watched as parts of me rhythmically dissolved and disappeared into the substance of the mist. I was dissolving into liquid, I was going home to return in the newness of my trueness, that which I had always been.
This was the death of myself. There was no “
” There is only this Sea of mystery. me.
I awoke. I was home. I am reborn.
Upon waking I found I had come back with many revelations of my past wonderments. I found within myself what it was about the Sea that captivated me so deeply. So I returned to the seaside to revel in the revealing as I looked out into the Sea, this time seeing it truly for the first time outside of time.
In the back of my mind I knew the Ocean was a microscopic metaphor for what the nature of reality is really like – the nature of life. This realization was the whispers of my Soul I had longed to make out. The Sea is vast. It is mysterious. It's life giving and life taking. It's captivating. It's beautiful. It's restful. It's so many things and yet it's also just one thing. Life itself is the very same. Life is many things, many forms, in a cosmic ocean of oneness.
I knew this. I felt this. I was this. I am This.
The Ocean itself mimics our own inner existence, the existence of our Soul, our true Self and its relation with the Universe. Ocean and wave, soul and universe, ultimately it is all One. And the ascent and descent of our internal substance looks and feels something like the dance of the waves upon the great Sea.
My internal waves are the very thoughts and emotions that violently and subtlety rise and fall into my very self. It is all the dance of the invisibility within me. My thoughts and my emotions rise and fall to tap dance upon more thoughts and more emotions like the play of the folding waves of water upon the Seashore.
Life is the mirror that reflects yourself back to you.
I know this. I feel this. I see this.
Yet there's more as I found in the months of my absence from this scene. I am the sea itself. I am life and living. Never have I been separated from the Sea of life. I am the wave and the Sea, and the breeze that shatters me. I am all these things and more in this inner Universe I uncovered.
Melting into the spaciousness of my Soul took me to the place I had always known to be my home. The silence of the soul is always the way home. The way home had always been with me, and now this is the sight I see clearly in the everything of this everything I call Life.
I am this girl and I am the Sea.