Thursday, December 28

love's possibilities

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" she asked, already expecting my practicality to take its form and form the words she thought I'd say, but instead...I said:

"I believe in love.
That's the beginning and the end.
I don't really care how it comes into my life.
Whether it's in an instant or over time,
whether it's at a distance or in the flesh,
whether it's upside down or right side up.
I don't care if I'm falling in love or rising up to it.
Love is love and its possibilities are endless.
So I believe in love.
I believe in all the ways it can come to me.
I believe in love at first sight and I believe in love over time.
I believe in love at a distance and I believe in love in the flesh.
Whether I'm right side up or upside down,
whether I'm falling into it or rising up to meet it,
I believe in love, in all its possibilities.

Saturday, December 9

The Girl and the Sea III

The Way Home
Strange how the riddles of late had me feeling. My heart. What was I to do with my heart? A longing had been lit in the midst of my being but I did not know what it was I longed for. I had become restless to find the voice I couldn’t hear calling me. I felt this soundless voice and saw its evidence in all things around me and yet knew not what it would have me do. I had felt most at home sitting at the shores of the sea but my heart now became restless even then.
There is so much to know. There is so much to uncover. There’s so much to question.
I disappeared into myself. Months passed in the dreaming of my own sleeping and in the doing of my own unravelling.
Then a moment came. I dreamt myself walking to the shores again. In spite of my restlessness I knew I wasn’t going to fear this any longer. I wasn’t going to question any longer. I cannot fear the heart of life anymore. The time had come for doubt and I to part ways. I settled myself and came face to face with the deep Sea of mystery. I was ready. I took in my last breath, I laid myself to rest, and I surrendered all of myself. There was no longer any “I,” it was just the Sea and nothing else. There was no separation, there was no separate existence from This.
I felt peace.
And then I felt the subtleness rise within me. I knew what was to come.
In one envelope the Sea formed itself around me, like the silk cocoon that forms around the dying caterpillar preparing it for its rebirth. I felt the electric vibration of my own life come into my awareness. A flash of light and it was all gone.
I saw parts of me breaking apart. Layer after layer, I watched as parts of me rhythmically dissolved and disappeared into the substance of the mist. I was dissolving into liquid, I was going home to return in the newness of my trueness, that which I had always been.
This was the death of myself. There was no “me.” There is only this Sea of mystery.
I awoke. I was home. I am reborn.
Upon waking I found I had come back with many revelations of my past wonderments. I found within myself what it was about the Sea that captivated me so deeply. So I returned to the seaside to revel in the revealing as I looked out into the Sea, this time seeing it truly for the first time outside of time.
In the back of my mind I knew the Ocean was a microscopic metaphor for what the nature of reality is really like – the nature of life. This realization was the whispers of my Soul I had longed to make out. The Sea is vast. It is mysterious. It's life giving and life taking. It's captivating. It's beautiful. It's restful. It's so many things and yet it's also just one thing. Life itself is the very same. Life is many things, many forms, in a cosmic ocean of oneness.
I knew this. I felt this. I was this. I am This.
The Ocean itself mimics our own inner existence, the existence of our Soul, our true Self and its relation with the Universe. Ocean and wave, soul and universe, ultimately it is all One. And the ascent and descent of our internal substance looks and feels something like the dance of the waves upon the great Sea.
My internal waves are the very thoughts and emotions that violently and subtlety rise and fall into my very self. It is all the dance of the invisibility within me. My thoughts and my emotions rise and fall to tap dance upon more thoughts and more emotions like the play of the folding waves of water upon the Seashore.
Life is the mirror that reflects yourself back to you.
I know this. I feel this. I see this.
Yet there's more as I found in the months of my absence from this scene. I am the sea itself. I am life and living. Never have I been separated from the Sea of life. I am the wave and the Sea, and the breeze that shatters me. I am all these things and more in this inner Universe I uncovered.
Melting into the spaciousness of my Soul took me to the place I had always known to be my home. The silence of the soul is always the way home. The way home had always been with me, and now this is the sight I see clearly in the everything of this everything I call Life.
I am this girl and I am the Sea.

Saturday, November 25

all my bags are packed...

...and now i leave it all behind to start the new chapter

i knew this time would come.

i'm ready

Sunday, October 29


Look inside, see if your rebellion is rooted in love.

Seek your true family, the community in which you feel at home. There you will find the quality of communication you long for.

Take time regularly for some form of meditation which steadies you in your center. Breathe into the Hara center (a hand's width below the navel), and collect your energies there.

Give whatever you would like to now, in full awareness of your boundless richness.

Meditate on this statement: "The truth which you speak has neither past nor future. It is, and that is all it needs to be."

Friday, October 27

the compassion of God

"And in the Bhakti Yoga Sastras it is also said that if honestly and sincerely a Sadhaka takes one step towards God, God comes running towards him taking a hundred steps. The Lord thinks, "Oh, he is coming to Me. I shall go and save him." Such is the compassion of God. ~ by Swami Krishnananda

Monday, October 23

...beginning new

change is in the air again...i can feel it coming on. i can't really describe any of it as I truly see it and feel it...but that's part of this game it seems. cryptic...but such is the mysteries of life.

i really don't even know what it is i'm feeling. i just know...this is ending...and i trust this knowing. i may not know the how, when, or anything else of it...but i know...this is ending.

Sunday, October 22

fascinating discovery...

“Past and future exist in the present reality, appearing to be different because of having different characteristics or forms. (Y.S. 4.1)”

if past and future exist only in the present reality, then "past" and "future" are the faces the present puts on. everything is a mask the present moment puts on. the concept of time gives the illusion that there is a continuation of moments, but in truth, for the Seer, there is only the now, only one moment that changes its colors around. the past and future don't exist in actuality but rather as imprints or images that have dissolved or that will rise in the field of your awareness.

..."All of the characteristics, forms, memories, deep impressions, etc., exist in the here and now, whether in active or potential forms. The appearance of past and future comes from the condition, path, or order in which they are sequenced."

this means that all the characteristics, forms, memories, and deep impression are within me RIGHT NOW. these things are either in active form, or in mere potentiality.

experience then is the mind arranging its memories, forms, characteristics, deep impressions etc. into a past and future. everything is already there, but it's the mind that puts the pieces together in accordance with its current understanding of what reality is. as the understanding is expanded, the images before the mind are rearranged to fit in with the current grasp...

Friday, October 13

the pain of imagined separation

every anxiety or stress i ever experience is based on the idea that i am separate from my source. regardless of the form the anxiety takes, this is the surest thing i have noticed. any kind of disorder in thoughts, or any kind of experience where i feel conflicted, if i look closely i totally see that underneath all the surface thoughts is the idea that i am limited, that i am separate, or that i am without the source. whenever i pause to look at the situation, i can see my discomfort and know that something isn't right, but it doesn't always dawn on me that in that moment i had attached to the idea that i was on my own in this life. this idea is layered with thoughts that change in appearance and content but that essentially reflect this at their core. i don't always recognize this. i'd like to be more aware of this and grasp the true nature of the "problem" whenever it arises.

Tuesday, October 10

The Girl and the Sea II

The Heart Center
I returned to the foot of the Ocean with some slight trepidation. The stillness of the night invited my longing heart, yet my mind knew not what to expect. I sat to gaze out into this infinite wonder again. I can't explain my affinity to this mysterious body of solidified mist. Like others before me, I too believe the Ocean has the answers to my one-thousand-and-one questions about this life, about my Self, and about all the elements of every level of my being. In its vastness and inner stillness, it holds all the secrets I long to know still. This was as clear as its translucent reality. This bolted vault that holds all of life's goodness, by its grace, lets me know what I can know. It speaks to me in a silent voice none can hear, and stirs my soul in ways that cannot be shown.
Just as it extended to the tips of my toes, and just as I began to break apart and follow it home, my hand came to rest on a pointed rock. Startled I jerk-opened my eyes and turned to my right. It was no rock. It was the shell of the sea turtle nestled right next to me. Oh the beauty of this creature, of its steady and solid stillness, of its magnificence. I reckoned that it too was on its journey home. I paused and gazed at it as my mind wondered what it was doing situated so close to me. Moments passed in silence while the palm of my hand rested on this rough casing of my new companion.
In the stillness of the moment and of my mind I asked myself "why is it that such a tender creature of nature, of such gentleness, poise, and grace clothes itself with such a thick and impermeable exterior?" I gazed at it further. I retracted my hand as I watched its fixed motionless ocean-ward gaze. Then a thought arose into my mind's eye.
“I am but a reflection of your heart.
I recognized this gentle whisper in my mind as my tone and yet not of my own making. I gasped lightly. My mind was gearing up to take a flight but I grabbed hold and grounded myself. I placed my hands on my sides and felt the cold sand between my fingers. I knew this was my chance to hear and cloth myself in a wisdom not my own. I asked what that meant.
“What does that mean?” I waited.
Then the tone that wasn't of my own making began.
“Sweet child you ask to enter life's secret chambers and know not she had long ago given you the key. Life reflects all the answers you seek in all the beauty she keeps close to her heart. But you do not see.
You see the magic of nature and yet you see not your own.
You gasp at the beauty of this shimmering moon and think nothing of your own. All you see before you is appearing FOR you. It means to point you toward your home and your truth. And this home is never where you thought it be.
I said that I am but a reflection of your heart. You think me tender, gentle, poise, still, and graceful. So too is your inner heart these things. But you have surrounded your gentleness with fences thicker than my shell.
Would you not free yourself of such a cage? Would you not free me from this heavy weight I'm made to carry to remind you?”
It retreated into its shell.
I felt my heart ache. My whole being responded in a sinking throb that rendered me breathless. I wished it stay unhidden from my eyes for all that was before me was the lifeless casing of something beautiful.
“Appearances deceive you dear child.”
My panic subsided as the voice continued.
“Beauty, truth, and love rest beyond appearances. Think not that a reflection or an appearance tells the whole story for it can only touch upon the surface of truth. A mirror never tells the whole story yet you have yourself believing you are the skin and bones, a lifeless casing of your choosing.”
I am puzzled. And yet I am comforted.
“Your home and mine is where the gentleness remains. Your home rests beneath the shell you have erected around your heart. Your heart is your home and it is your beauty also.
Dearest love of life, do you not realize that you abide in the heart of life itself?
Your heart is life's heart, for life never parts from herself.”
It fell silent for a moment.
“I come into this shell for it is where my safety lies. You have taught me and yourself that the heart of life is something to fear and to hide from.
You have misunderstood.
You fear the heart of life and have confined yourself into a cage of misery, into a shell unbecoming of your true beauty.
The heart of life is tender…it is good.
You have misunderstood.”
It emerged its head out of its shell and began to slowly slip into the sea. As it disappeared into its home, I heard its whisper between my ears.
“You have misunderstood. You have misunderstood.”

Monday, October 9

this unfolding Love

i can feel my heart trying to escape through my chest right in this moment. i've been feeling it since the moment i arrived and woke up in my old bed. there's a lot of love in the air. the trailing echo of love songs from my friends CD, the comfort and roominess of the back seat, the distant voices of the two girls in the front seats, and the pitch black darkness of the road all makes this seem like the perfect setting to make this entry. this love comes to me in many places and through many faces. it comes through so many embraces,smiles, and looks exchanged between friends and family alike. it turns to greet me in the yes of old and new, shining out a lightness i can spot a distance away as my heart flutters and my whole being pulses to the beat of this invisible tenderness that surrounds all things. but there's more to it than eyes can meet. there's more brewing underneath this skin that words can't yet express. there's a knowing of things to come, of things inexplicable and indefinable, of things the intellect alone cannot express without the aid of time and a new face that in truth is not new at all. and this knowing brings along with it a longing like no other. it's a longing for growth but of a different kind, of a kind i can't piece together as of yet. it's an unsolved puzzle but all the pieces laid out before me are beginning to make sense. the truth of the unseen and so much more reveal themselves in the most subtle of ways. Love and the expression of it through every aspect of my life consume my heart and yet fill its hunger at the same time. i am living in the heart of life and releasing my breath as i make this place my resting place. i'm nestled in the very fabric of a living and pulsing love that has come to be the air i breathe and the rhythm my soul moves to.

Sunday, October 8

the lightness of truth...

"...understand it is impossible that you be hurt except by your own thoughts"

how empowering

Sunday, October 1

Dear Love,

I feel myself opening and getting closer still to your tender and enveloping essence of bliss.
Your gifts are unending, ever flowing through me and setting every inch of me free from the cages I built around myself.
I live in your heart and the awareness of this grows with each passing breath.
You are the light that lets me see in a world diluted by its own forgetfulness.
Let not blindness come over me but call me with the silent whispers of your heart.
My soul's longing is this and only this.
Help me to stay aware.
Help me to stay in Love.
Help me to surrender all to your light, for your light is the only resting place for my soul.
I thank you for another day of loving.

Monday, September 25

my ear is like a sea shell...

8:12:24 AM

My right ear was being especially noisy this morning. I have usually only been hearing that "wooshing" sound when I make sudden movements but this morning even the slightest motion was making the sound apparent. I wonder what that means too.

12:09:50 PM

"everything in your life is what you are meant to do, and every place you are is preparing you for the next place you will be."

Sunday, September 24


"By consciously expressing our gratitude to these spiritual helpers, we not only feel a deeper connection with our spiritual source but we affirm that we are simply one small part of a larger network of loving intelligence in the universe. Taking time to express gratitude for the guidance you receive from your spirit helper today can help strengthen its presence in your life."

Given the revelations of last night, I shouldn't be surprised to receive this message this morning. But I am, in the most pleasant way. When all messages you receive are consistent, you pay attention and notice the point you're being pointed toward. I'm not alone. I have help. I'm being heard. I have been heard.

I am most thankful for the guidance I receive. When I step back to see all that has been occurring in my life both on the day-to-day levels as well as the bigger changes, I can see with all clarity that I'm receiving very constant and helpful guidance. "Intricate" is the best word I can use to describe all the ways in which situations and experiences align to point me in the best direction. There's an intricate interplay of so many aspects of life teaching me and guiding me right now. I don't know how else to be thankful but to put my thankfulness into words here. "Loving intelligence" is the best way to describe what's at hand and around me these days. My heart is overwhelmingly glad for all of it. In this moment I'm bubbling up with the kind of goodness that is hard to describe in words. These moments are frequent. Validations of my experiences from an external medium reflect to me all the knowing within in a way that makes me feel things are so real.

Everyone has a right to these feelings and knowing-ness of the heart. This is the premise for my work.

Sunday, September 17

i got toes!

I can touch my toes!!! I realized this last week and have since been dropping onto the floor at random points to check if I still have this new found ability. Just yesterday I was walking down the street with my friends when I exclaimed "I can touch my toes, look" and proceeded to drop my head down and extend my fingers to my toes and touch them. They were quite happy for me. I had to make sure it was a permanent thing before I committed this new discovery to written words.

Sunday, September 10

Dear Love,

I long to be as you created me,
in fullness of heart and in the lightness of spirit,
always immersed in tenderness and in the sweetness of innocent playfulness.
You are the ideal I long to express in all my ways.
In purity you love abundantly, in close embrace with all you've created in this cosmic dance of all things divine.
You are my highest ideal displayed in all things hoped for.
Shower me with your electric kisses and let me melt into the fragrant drops of your loving essence.
Let me merge with your lightness and fullness.
Let me merge with your passionate certainty in what you know me to be.
Let me lose myself in the mirror of your eternal gaze.
I feel myself falling ever so deep into all that you are.
I don't wish it to end.
Let me fall into your depths forever.
Let me spin amidst your space and drown in your blissful embrace.
Let my tears speak for themselves and show you my wealth of gratitude.
Your graceful hands lead and guide me toward unseen beauty and unheard melodies.
You leave me breathless.
You inspire and set these seeing eyes upon higher things,
and place these things lovingly in my reach.
I am loved in a manner of love I cannot define.
I am eternally longing to remain in the heart of your heart.
I know not what home is without your presence.
You are my home, my shelter, my source and resource for all things.

Wednesday, August 16

Above and Below

It's been an amazing week of beauty, change, and my deepest thankfulness for it all. This first week was spent as close to nature as I could get. 5 nights and 6 days heart feeling like it was expanding to fit everything that was coming through me. It was completely overstuffed. I took a plane to the west, all the while staring out the window into the tiny spec remembering what a wonderful lesson flying provides. From the plane so high up above and looking so far down below, it can be easy to realize that life really isn't at all that is down there. The house down there and all it holds that now looks like a smidgen of ink on the big picture really isn't who you are, and has nothing to do with you. All that down there below is stuff and symbols you've given meaning to. Everything down below is all that's outside of you that you're constantly looking at and thinking it is who you are. You have taught yourself that you are defined by the stuff you've accumulated; the house, the cars, the relationships, and all the drama you play out in life. But the truth is, you are none of those things you find yourself looking down on. Everything that is true and that matters is within you...and it is within you that you must look to for answers about who you are.

The way this trip found me is a story of multiple coincidences - you know, those moments where so many many things align themselves together to show you what would be good for you? Well, this was a trip I had to take. I'm learning more and more on what we label "coincidences" as I see them popping out at me from all directions trying to direct me and show me the answers and experiences I've been looking for...

On this trip I went and climbed a beautiful mountain and learned it's harder to get to the top if you keep looking at the top thinking "I can't do this." The lesson in all things is to enjoy the process that takes you from the bottom to the top. For if you spend too much time focusing only at the goal, the end result, setting your eyes on it and wondering how you are going to get through to the end, you'll lose your way and completely miss the lesson and probably fail to accomplish what you set out to do. The point of setting goals and accomplishing them is to take it one step at a time. To take it moment by moment, doing what you need to do, until you get to the end.

I marvelled at the setting of the sun by the beach, and watched lovers kiss just as the sun kissed the water. I sat on giant rocks and stared into this beautiful deep blue pacific that ran forever and held only thought of amazement in my mind. I listened to it swoosh and woosh with only the noise of the seagull's taking my love away from it. I tried to love the ocean as best I could but I knew it would just slip through my fingers and I wasn't prepared to get that wet. I snuck a peak at the hidden streams that trickle down and through the mountains.

I stared at the moon in the clear night sky in complete silence and wished I could hold that moment a little longer. I thought of love. I stood in the middle of the forest and stared up at the sun that peaked through to give light and felt inspired, felt illumined. I mingled with nature gasping all the way home. I fell in love over and over again with all of creation and was deeply thankful every moment. There were no shadows of any kind on this trip, only learning, peace, and indescribable beauty. I woke up every morning exclaiming "this is the best day ever" and it was!

I spoke little and allowed only thoughts of love and the one's I love to enter into my mind. If I hadn't friends with me on parts of this trip, I wouldn't have spoken any words at all, but I had enough moments of stillness all by my lone-self. I planned nothing. I just went with the flow and allowed life to teach me and show me what she wanted to. I decided, that although I can make any place my "home" I will "settle down" somewhere where nature dominates...where I could kick around by the ocean and take in all the beauty of mother nature. I know I will love it there, where ever this "there" ends up being.

It was 6 days and 5 nights of blissful love timed perfectly into my ever-evolving understanding of life and living. I am so alive!

Okay, I did cheat though. While the "nature buff" in me was in love, the other part of me did completely like taking a nice shower, and sleeping on a soft "bed," and walking to the Starbucks in the city and getting a tall vanilla latte to take with me on my silent walks around the city, and eating mango cheesecake and tiramisu all at once. Even then I was waking up to the sun warming up my face and to the birds that made me think I was in some paradise out of a dream...the city's an island so all around me are mountains and beaches. I wonder if I could be the type to sleep on the dirt in the open air...

I have much to ponder and uncover for the clues and riddles of this life have been streaming a-flow like a river. My intellect and my heart don't always seem to agree and so I enter that realm of pondering and questioning and uncovering once more. I've learned much I'd L O V E to share and will soon.

These next coming days I'm packing and preparing for my move to the city of smog. I willingly and joyfully go in the guise of being a student once again while all the while knowing the truth is much deeper than I pretend...though I don't yet know the "how" of the matter I've been told to "surrender to uncertainty." And so I pass on that message to you as well. If you are met with situations, not knowing the "how" or "why" of the matter, surrender to your uncertainty knowing it will work itself out. Doesn't it always work out in the end?

Monday, August 14

The Girl and the Sea I

The Voice of the Sea
I found myself sitting at the foot of the ocean again, recalling all the while the many moments that appeared as this one does, the vastness still captivating my eyes as I gazed to the far reaches of this extended heavenly body of mystifying element.
I longed to know more of what I can know. I longed to break apart and follow it home for I was certain it knew my origin and my end.
I watched it rise from itself in sections and merge back into its own greatness. Waves upon waves of greatness would rise and fall sounding sounds that none could imitate. Then, I closed my eyes as I do in the many moments I sit before it. I inhaled all that I could to rise as the waves did and exhaled to feel myself fall in their likeness.
The wind began to circle around me brushing my cheeks with its gentle hand. I could feel our elements collide as air and skin mingled in this coolness of day. Then a gentle thought entered my mind. I knew it was the voice of this sea of wonder. I knew the wind was its hands preparing me, comforting me, as it led me to enter into its current of secrets.
“Tell me,” my heart whispered. And then I heard…
“These waves you seem so fond of, forget they are a part of me, one with me, as they rise to raise themselves. In that fleeting moment that they rise, they think they have an individual existence. They forget that I am their source and resource. They forget that their true nature will always be and has always been the Sea.
But they remember, for in their forgetting they suffer the instability of their seeming separation. They waver and toil with the wind and feel the pangs of their thinning existence. But they remember their true nature, their absolute reality. They are pulled into remembering by the tie that binds us so intensely. We never part for they are a part of me, and I a part of them, unbreakable and impassable. And in their remembering they realize that they are the in-breath of my own rising and the out-breath of my descent.
So too are you and life tied in this way at your essence. The knowledge of your origin and end begins with this understanding. Forget not your source and resource. Forget not the vastness with which your oneness remains. Remember child. Remember. “
Quietness came over this spread of wisdom before me. I felt these words sink into my being. The wind brushed my cheeks once more and disappeared. I breathed in all the stillness and let out the air as I opened my eyes. Night had come. My heart was full of something but I knew not what it was. I felt pulled as if the strings of life itself had beckoned me to follow.
Follow where?
I wrapped my arms around myself and stared down upon the sand that served as my resting place. Moments passed in the stillness. I looked up and gazed at the ocean once more as the wind echoed "remember."

Baby Smiles as Meditation

You know when you're having a frazzled day and something pops up in your face to get you to slow down, get back to earth, and just remem...